I’m Making a Human 😳

In the black of an almost winter morning, I woke up on my living room floor. Having to remind myself that the cause of sleep outside of our bed was back pain that only a hard floor can relieve, I simultaneously scrambled to make sure I didn’t oversleep. My body woke itself up, as if it was anticipating something. 

I went to the bathroom and actually turned the light on. Lights are unusual for me. I closed the door as to not wake Kevin by the intrusive illumination. Everything I usually need to see in the morning is familiar, so I can easily navigate in the dark. This particular day there was an extra element that desperately required my undivided attention. 

Within what felt like nano seconds, that test was as positive as I had been six days before. I screamed as if the same person that would hear me wasn’t the same person I had just tried to avoid waking up. “KEVINNNNNN, WE’RE HAVING A BABY!” Dreamland was still in his eyes, but so was the brightest bulb of excitement. 

REWIND. 

One week prior, we prepared for a weekend trip to Philadelphia. More than a quick and lovely getaway weekend, it was an opportunity to spend intimate time with our new church family and soak in all types of knowledge at the Thriving Frequency Conference: All Jesus Everything! 

The two and a half day affair was filled with food. By filled, I mean filled. But, not before I could skip out on a rooftop kickback for some serious sleep. My husband was confused, to use the nicest word, as to how I could sleep through the first night of our trip. I couldn’t help it. Honestly, sleep is a part of me. But, that day I really didn’t do anything to warrant this kind of sleep. 

By Saturday night, featuring a full spread family style dinner at Maggiano’s over discussions of best R&B album and the best part of the weekend, I thought if I never ate again I’d be fine. We surely ate a lot, but in my opinion, not enough for the thought of food to turn me off. My stomach felt as full as a water balloon on a hot summer day. And, it felt like it would absolutely burst with one wrong move. Just one. 

REWIND

I can honestly admit, with my full womanhood in tact, that a baby was not on my radar. 

I was much more pleasantly consumed with creating habits that lead to a successful marriage, building a promising, but more importantly, fulfilling career, and of course, myself. 

As soon as you get married, you are bombarded with questions about babies. My grandmother led the pack with this. In the same vein, you’re told to take your time. The mixed messages ran me farther and farther away from the idea. Plus, I really like travel, I enjoy luxuries and I love being selfish with my husband. 

If we’re trekking along this honesty road, I can also say some of my fear about having a baby was that I would fear having a baby. I’m a realist, with a generally skeptical lens. This world is not only scary, in and of itself, but society makes babies seem less like blessings, and more like burdens. I took on those sentiments. I was anxious at even the thought of how I would feel if I actually got pregnant and how those thoughts would turn into perceptions of an innocent child, MY child, who never asked to be here anyway. 

FAST FORWARD 

I’m obsessed with What To Expect and the Ovia apps. Google is my best and worst friend; Amazon is a close second in both categories. Moms in community group posts who ask exactly what I’m thinking and feeling are like gold. I’m consistently aware of the size of my baby in various forms, currently: sweet potato, cucumber, flying squirrel, slingshot, crossaint or Nintendo controller. This little human is so incredibly special to me and has the tiny piece of my heart Kevin said he’ll let them have, only with his permission. Pregnancy so far has been gracefully smooth. Morning sickness was a not a factor, however food aversion is and I’m so mad. The baby really likes fruit. Just like Momma! We’ve seen a spine, a wave and heard a powerful heartbeat. The nugget really likes to dance and if they ever deny it, we have video evidence. Today, I’m five months, and I’m taking any and all suggestions for relieving back pain. If you ask me 1-on-1, I’m totally open to answering all the TMI questions. The books and apps don’t even tell you all of it. 🙄

All in all, I love this kid. 

In some sort of God moment that’s been carrying me since the moment my inkling was proven correct, all of my paralyzing fears have never returned. I’ve seen and see our child as a beautiful addition, rather than stressful multiplication. I understand this baby is nothing short of more of God’s grace in our lives to entrust us with one of His children. I acknowledge the opportunity to create a human being that shines the light of Christ through their life and be humbled enough not to take too much credit for His work. 

Only God can grant the peace that’s been given to me since I learned of a human growing on the inside. I was confident that I’d be exploding, but the relief of knowing I wouldn’t even be here without His power is reassuring. The only thing to be afraid of from here is child birth, no one can talk me down from that fear, but I’ll be okay (I think). Pray for Kev and I, and our little one, that we continue to carry Christ, walk in wisdom and give the grace that we so undeservingly received in parenting.

By the end of these 40 weeks, I hope to learn more about the mysteries of God and myself through the baby than the baby itself. And I’m almost half way there, in more ways than one.