A Fight for Control
Have you ever believed something? Anything at all?! I mean, deeply, sincerely held a strong conviction that you’d argue to the death? Something you’d literally tattoo on your heart?! Have you ever k n e w something, without a doubt, like doubt was impossible?!
And then, suddenly, everything you thought you knew, everything you knew you knew, is proven wrong.
Like when you found out Proactive, in fact, does not work.
Or, that $100 can’t last you two years.
The knock out punch that your mom isn’t perfectly perfect.
And of course, the life changing discovery that Santa isn’t real.
...unless you’re me, and the life changing discovery is actually that reindeer ARE real. 🤯
Or, unless you’re me again, and you wake up one day and realize the “Christian” you’ve called yourself for 20 years, isn’t what you are.
I never doubted Jesus actually lived, then died, and actually rose from the dead. I couldn’t prove it, but I wouldn’t deny it, ever. I was raised with the idea that being a Christian was actually as simple as saying you believed, and believing you believe that Christ lived, died and rose. Sounds easy to me!
But, any call to something is a call away from something else.
The call to Jesus, yes, is believing that He came, left and somehow remains. But, it’s also the call to recognize that because He had the power to live without sin and die in exchange for our sins, He’s worthy of Lordship.
See, I wasn’t ready for all that. Wasn’t prepared, I’m still not 97% of the time.
As days go by for me and I’m learning more about marriage, motherhood, careers and life, I’m learning how deeply obsessed I am with control. I want to be the captain of my ship, but not just the ship, I want to control the seas and the winds. I have an unquenchable desire to understand what’s going on in my life and make plans that work out based on my own logical, reasonable understanding of the situation.
It’s worked so far for me. My grandeur graven images of academic success and financial stability have guided my eyes and lead my feet for years, without a misstep that was not too far from my grip, and a little prayer.
Just a little. Because I was saved, I was sure. I had Jesus in my heart, I was convinced.
Until, I was shown, by only God’s grace, that to have Him in a section of my heart was to actually not have Him at all.
The call to Jesus is a call toward Jesus; in the direction of Jesus, in relation to Jesus. To believe in a man like Jesus, is not to simply believe in His existence, it’s to live in His presence. Have you ever known someone so well and walked with them so closely that you trusted them with the control you believed you should have? Not I. But, that’s what He deserves.
I mean, let’s circle back to this “Lordship” idea. Lordship - supreme power or rule. Ruler. Master. King. Savior. G O D. He made me, right? Yes. So, why wouldn’t I relinquish control? Because, that’s really a lot to ask.
It’s a lot to ask in a world that tells me to go out and get it, be my own boss, climb the ladder, rise through the ranks, you can have anything you put your mind to! I believed that. AND, IT’S WORKED! So, now you’re telling me not only was I not actually following God, but I shouldn’t keep doing what’s been working for me my whole life?!
God promises that He satisfies, but I don’t know what that looks like. I know what the other end of academic satisfaction looks like. I know what the other end of financial satisfaction looks like. And I struggle everyday with sacrificing what I think I know, for what I should want to know. I think I know that money and earthly stability will feed my starving soul, but what I should want to know, who I should want to know, is the source of the creation of the very soul I long to be filled.
When I came to the knowledge that I hadn’t surrendered any part of my life to the person I claimed as Savior, I was stunned. But, I’m even more overwhelmed by the fact that He’s stuck by me, kept calling me and waited for me to hold Him the way He’s held me. Yes, it is incredibly hard to have your beliefs crushed, especially if it’s seemingly overnight, after years and years of emotional buildup. But, it’s even harder to live your life so consumed with your own desires, only to realize, at the end, the purest, truest desire is to be full, and the only thing that fills is Christ.
I wrestle, day after day, with believing that God knows best and has a much better plan than me, but 20+ years of convincing yourself that you’re the driver is hard to undo so suddenly. But I’m grateful that I’m struggling, rather than surrendering to my own way. There is a difficult, yet beautiful, release in letting go of the power of self.
If you’re living life on your own terms and wondering why the results seem cyclical, maybe try a new way. If you’re living life on your own terms and you’re thriving, but something you can’t quite put your finger on is missing, there may be an answer. The day I decided I wanted to surrender to Christ is the day I began wrestling with His will over mine. He’s won every time and has yet to let me fall.
