A Response to John Gray, All of the Bloggers Who've Responded to John Gray and The Truth about A Woman's Choice
If you haven’t seen the video we’ll be discussing here, fret not…
21.7k Likes, 1,824 Comments - SisterCircleTV (@sistercircletv) on Instagram: "#ICYMI - Yesterday, Pastor John Gray once again broke it down as only he can. Here he talks about..."
Responses to such video have been titled as such, “John Gray, We Are not Raising Men,” “SIGHS! Here Goes Pastor John Gray Glorifying A Woman Who Puts Up With A Grown Boy's Ish", “John Gray And Why Christian Men Expect Their Wives To Be Mother 2.0.”
Let’s start with Pastor John.
Disclaimer: This blog post will focus on exactly what he said in the segment of this interview; read: not what he said to Donald Trump, not what’s in his new book, not what he says at his church, not what he used to say at Joel Olsten’s church. I have my own opinions on those things that will not be discussed here.
THANK YOU PASTOR JOHN GRAY FOR BEING A HUSBAND WHO CLEARLY HONORS HIS WIFE.
Social media is full of opinions, so anything anyone says is subject to scrutiny. I believe that Pastor John’s words were flipped as if he intended to say something negative about his wife or women in general, because some women feel that’s what society at large is doing to all of us. If you listened carefully, everything out of his mouth was a beautiful tribute to his wife and what she’s done for him. And, his words had nothing to do with you, or the next woman, or any other woman other than his wife.
Furthermore, he only told one side of the story. It’s not for him to tell what he’s done for her and what he’s sacrificed for her, that’s for her to tell, and maybe she will tell that side one day. But from the only side we all heard, he did a great job of doing exactly what he said he would do for the rest of his life, “honor her.”
My only critique of what he said was that he referred to Aventer as his “covering.” Biblically, it is a husband’s responsibility to be his wife’s covering: spiritually, physically, financially and emotionally. I think he could have found a better word to describe her sacrificial spirit and prayerful demeanor without using the word “covering.” Things get murky when any husband, particularly a pastor also, uses that word to describe the actions of their wife.
Listen again, without the lens of how you feel about men and society in general. He said amazing things about HIS WIFE. And there is never ANYTHING wrong with that.
To the Bloggers Who’ve Responded to John Gray:
Disclaimer: I’ve only read the Mother 2.0 article. But I’m positive they are all getting at the same general idea.
I agree, 1000%, with the F A C T that not only Christian women, but women everywhere, are taught, raised and expected to be wives. Meanwhile, men can be dogs, bachelors and whatever else they want, and are never talked to, preached at or sat down about being husbands.
Women are bred for marriage and men are just expected to jump in it and maybe get it right, and if they don’t, it’s fine. That is how society definitely portrays marriage and gender roles in marriage. And that is how these articles presented John Gray’s words.
As if, she was the wife giving and giving and giving and John was the husband taking and taking and taking. Like how society makes it seem all marriages and relationships are. And back to the point that I will continue to return to, it’s hard to gather a full opinion with only half of the story. That never makes for good journalism (ie. FOX).
As an (although newly) married woman, I can say from (little) experience that marriage is a mirror. You will learn more about yourself than you do about the other person. Marriage amplifies all of your used-to-be minuscule problems and puts them front and center on your shower curtain for you to see every morning. If you thought you had a small issue here and there before, when you are that intimate with another person and you are committed to forever, those “small” issues become your worst nightmare; read: the nightmare is not the person, the nightmare is YOUR issue(s). Since y’all love to twist words so freely, let me be clear. I say that to say, whatever Aventer had to deal with for John, John had to deal with something else for Aventer. Commitment comes through daily dedication and rededication to working things out together. You’re not committed to the situation, you’re committed to the person and ALL people come with flaws.
All people include you.
The Truth about a Woman’s Choice
What I am hearing in the midst of these Gray conversations is that women have neglected to remember their choice in the matter of a spouse.
Kev and I have many theological conversations and my favorite of which is debating if God chooses your spouse or if you choose your spouse and God honors your choice and blesses your marriage because He loves marriage.
What I do know for sure is, we all have free will. We have the option of choosing every decision we make everyday (maybe that answers the question above…can’t think too deep right now though Dom).
Y O U pick the man you marry. Y O U, woman, choose the man you will call your husband and spend the rest of your life with by saying yes when he asks.
S O, if you believe he is a man you will have to raise, why choose him?
If you believe he is a little boy and has to mature and grow into you, why did you deal with him in the first place?
YES! PICKINGS ARE SLIM. I am in no way giving men the benefit of the doubt, some of them suck, most of them suck, BUT there are a few out there who are just as messed up as you are and you two can grow TOGETHER.
Let me tell you something, the right person makes it easy. Not seamless, never perfect, but definitely easy. So, if it’s not easy, it’s probably not the right person. And you’re mad at yourself for living up to societies expectations that you have to build a man, when some men do already come built, you’re just not willing to wait, patiently.
And we blame men, for looking for other mothers in women who didn’t birth them, but they didn’t get those ideas from their heads (THE WORDS I DIDN’T LISTEN TO…who knew I was preaching two years ago?). Another woman before you and after their mama gave them the idea that they never have to grow up. But instead of blaming those men, why don’t we just not choose them? Maybe then, they’ll grow up, without you, like they should in the first place.
A man who is ready for commitment and ready for marriage, “leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife.” If that doesn’t seem to describe the man in front of you, it’s not his fault that he’s still in front of you. You have the choice to stay, and you have the choice to go, and you have the choice to wait, and you have the choice to choose. And they have the choice to be a boy or be a man. So, let’s all stop pointing fingers and look at ourselves.
Whatever society says never has to be your reality. You never have to put up with a man, raise a man, coddle a man or grow a man. But you will, if you are ever married, have to grow WITH a man, and never forget that you are also growing, and also, never forget to grow. Whatever John Gray says never has to be your story. But I am sure you would love for your husband to talk about you the way Pastor John talks about Aventer. And my prayer is that one day you will have a husband who talks about you the way Pastor John talks about Aventer, and Kev talks about me, and all good husbands talk about their wives. And I pray more, that you remember that you have all the choices in this life and that they be good ones. And I pray finally, that you are aware that the choice that matters most is the one where you put your faith in Jesus Christ, He’s the giver of life and love, and will talk about you better than any earthly man.
Want more? Probably not, but if you do…
Check out my first book, The Words I Didn’t Listen To, where I chronicle the words I didn’t listen to in hopes that other women will.
