IKIGAI After Honor

There were nights when our eyes met in the dark. I was only trying to see if yours were closed and before I could realize they weren’t you’d seen me and when you saw me, it was over. You’d laugh, and fan your arms, and as much as I wanted to tell you, “It’s the middle of the night and you have to close your eyes and go back in the crib,” ...I laughed back. 

There are mornings, now, where I’ve risen just with God, not to the sound of a whine or whimper. I assume you’re sleep, I tip-toe down the hall, gently open your door, just to find your head as high as the sky and body in a completely different place from where, either, I, or Daddy, placed it; and you’re quiet. Anxiously awaiting our arrival, confident the moment will come when one of us, if not both, will say “Good Morning Honor,” and whisk you into our arms. 

Songs that once guided you to sleep now guide your rhythmic bounce and arm movements. The way I used to hold you up, now you can pull up to on your own. The way you used to rest on my chest now only comes in three second intervals, seeming accidental. The way I’ve watched you learn to laugh, babble, crawl - even if only backwards at first, walk along all my furniture, eat with a spoon and your fingers, hold your own head up, rock it to a beat, bang a toy, throw a remote, gesture for the things you want, show discomfort and displeasure, dance, dance, dance and display joy and affection, is nothing short of God’s love toward me. 

When you cry, I love you. 
When you sing, I love you. 
When you fuss, I love you. 
When you love, I love you. 

You, Honor, have no idea what love is, just how the world should be; feel the feeling but don’t define it, don’t identify it, don’t hold it captive as your own. You have the best concept of love - none at all. Gently given, unknowingly received. When I’m happy, I know someone will be happy with me. When I’m sad, I know I’ll be comforted. When I’m hungry, I know I’ll be fed. When I’m dirty, I know I’ll be clean. What’s love, if it’s not that? 

The most daunting thought about publishing is putting words in people’s hands that you can n e v e r take back. Once a book is published and distributed, new editions can’t erase what you’ve said, what someone’s read and what will inevitably be on printed paper forever. 

When I wrote IKIGAI, I considered if saying “Love doesn’t exist” would be something I’d be able to stand by from that stage and into this next, from this life and into the next. I made a GREAT argument, if I do say so myself. I am proud of the point that my book stands on and I am proud of the accomplishment in taking on an idea like “love.” Our society doesn’t play with love; and I tackled that bear like the raging wild animal it is. 🐻💔 

I didn’t consider what the effects of my words would feel like once children of my own entered my world. I didn’t consider how I may have to eat my words once love takes on a different form, as tiny fingers and toes. I didn’t consider what Honor would do to me, how he would change me, how he would love me. 

But, boy, am I forced to consider it now. 

Honor is my joy and my strength. He is my hope. He is my smile. I would give my last for Honor. I would give my life for Honor.

I love Honor with all the love I have. 

And, I’m still unconvinced that love, as we know it, exists. 

With all the love I have for Honor, God loves him inconceivably much more. How do I know? Because He sent His Son, so that we could feel His love. 

Guess what? I would never. I won’t even send Honor to a day care or baby sitter, you think I’m sending him from Heaven to Earth?!! Nope! 

To use a word that so powerfully describes God’s affections toward us, any other meaning of the word pales in comparison. Of course, I’ll continue to say that I love my son, because it’s as true as it could be and it’s culturally appropriate. I’ve never felt the feelings that I feel for Kevin or for Honor before, and yet there are still more feelings that matter with people, and on Earth. But with God, all there is, is love. 

In IKIGAI, I explain the importance of values like celebration, adventure, teamwork, influence and more. I raise them up to break love down, to dismantle this cultural obsession with a love that isn’t even real. What’s real are birthday gatherings, swimming with dolphins, engaging collaboration and leaving a significant, positive mark on this planet. But, one day those things won’t be real, and neither will your marriage, or your familial relationship with your children, what will only be left is the love of God. 

When we laugh, God shines on the universe with his smile. 
When we babble, God brags to the angels about the thoughts He’s planted.
When we crawl, even backwards, God rests on His hands and knees waiting for us to creep closer to Him.
When we walk all over His stuff, God buffers our falls, covers sharp edges and guides us back to where it’s safe to roam.
When we eat, God rejoices in His creation.
When we hold our head up, God places Himself in our line of sight. 
When we rock and nod, God rocks and waves the seas and the trees to our rhythmic melodies. 
When we bang things, God slows our movements to show us how to gracefully handle what He’s given us. 
When we throw things, God shows us it’s value from His perspective. 
When we want what we want, God graciously suggests His will. 
When we show discomfort and displeasure, God walks with us, validates us, gives us the power of endurance and the gift of overcoming. 
When we dance, God dances harder. 
When we display joy and affection, God is love. When we don’t, God is love.

And, nothing else compares. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers, the Mother figures, the Mothers in Heaven and the Mothers of the babies in Heaven, God loves you more than you can imagine.

To all the motherless children, women hoping to be mothers and children grieving the loss of their mothers, God loves you more than you can imagine. 

So, at least, imagine. ❤️

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