Why Bobby Love Deserves Cheryl’s Love

Who exactly determines who deserves love? And further, who, in your humble opinion, would you say, is undeserving of love? What are the oh so terrible qualities that makes one incapable of being offered one of life’s most precious gifts? 

Tell me. 

I’m listening. 

This past week, Humans Of New York featured an 11 hour mini-Instagram-series on Bobby and Cheryl Love. It had thousands of people reeling for more as each hour passed by and gathering like floods in the comment section to express their anticipation and awe. If you don’t follow @HumansOfNewYork, DO IT NOW. And, if you haven’t read the story yet, please do yourself the favor of experiencing this God-given midweek once in a lifetime love story. 

The basis of the story starts with the fact that Bobby Love’s real name is Walter Miller. After 40 years of marriage, the cops came knocking on the Love’s door to take Bobby away - again. Cheryl had no clue that she was married to a criminal who had lied, stolen and escaped prison on multiple occasions. Bobby describes Cheryl as “soft” and “a righteous woman.” Cheryl says Bobby “loves her” and “[would] cook, and do laundry, and spend time with the kids.” However, she also said, “there wasn’t much affection. Not many hugs. Not much cuddling. Not much communication. I could only get so close and he’d shut down. Sometimes, when we were arguing, I’d be pouring myself out to him. And he’d just sit there with a scowl on his face.”    

“For better or worse” was Cheryl’s reasoning for petitioning with Obama, family, friends, and their church members to help get Bobby out of jail. While he was inside, she reinforced that she had no intention to leave him. And this is where Cheryl took the trophy home, after getting him out, mending their marriage and in telling their story she said, 

““I did forgive him. And when I made that decision, I had to accept all the territory that came with it. I can’t make him feel that debt every day of his life. Because that’s not the marriage I want to be in.” ”

WOW. 

Source: @HumansOfNY

Now, let me tell you what happened next…

Next: tweets and articles, comments and posts about the “struggle love” that Black women consistently experience at the hands of lying, trauma-suffering men; about their love being beautiful, but unworthy of praise or admiration; about simply how much of a mess it all is - how much of a psychopath Bobby is and how much of a fool Cheryl is. 

There is a thin line between loving people through trauma and enduring abuse. When I say thin, I mean —————— thin. I am not a proponent of being lied to for 40 years about who you’re in your most intimate relationship with. I am not saying Bobby wasn’t dead wrong. I am not saying that every woman should be Cheryl. But, what I am saying is I don’t believe Bobby meant to cause Cheryl the emotional abuse that he inevitably caused her. 

The fix to finding yourself above that thin line rather than beneath it is COMMUNICATION. Something tells me that even if Bobby really wanted to, he probably wouldn’t have told Cheryl about his past since she was a Godly woman who stood by her standards of right and wrong. But something also tells me that Bobby simply wanted to leave Walter where he was before he sank further into his life as him, and he thought it was impossible to do that if anyone knew. I can sympathize with that. We may never deserve it, but sometimes we need a new life. 

To call their marriage anything other than God’s clear hand of grace
is to diminish the meaning of love itself. 

Their story matters because it’s a story of the sacrifice and dedication it takes to maintain a good marriage. Bobby and Cheryl’s marriage wasn’t the best or the greatest, and that was definitely the fault of Bobby for his lack of transparency and openness. Without communication, the glass ceiling gets thicker and the thin line gets thinner. But it was a good marriage, and here’s the proof of that: they are still married. 

I haven’t been married long, but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that marriage changes everything, it changes you, it changes what you believe about love, it changes what you know about patience, it changes what you think about understanding, and that is good. 

Cheryl didn’t know Bobby had changed, but Bobby knew he needed Cheryl to continue changing, and that is good. Bobby needed a new life and Cheryl was there to offer it to him, and that is good. Cheryl sees Bobby in a way you and I will never see him, and that is good.

Imagine who Bobby Love would have been if he never met Cheryl; imagine his daily temptation to become Walter again. A temptation that slowly became less seductive as a pure love was introduced to his life - first, from Cheryl, then, from his children. Yes, Bobby lied, he lied for a long time, but Bobby never became Walter again. And, that is good. 

And if you think Bobby was the only one on the receiving end of this new found love and peace since finding himself in NYC, just know, my girl Cheryl was absolutely also a gracious recipient. How, you ask? 

Cheryl had the unparalleled opportunity to display the grace, forgiveness and love of God to her husband who did her wrong. Where he failed, she showed mercy. And if that’s not what you need sometimes then I can’t relate. We all have a Walter Miller in us running from pillar to post, we all have a Bobby Love in us, deeply hiding, even in places that comfort us, and I hope we all have a Cheryl Love in us, a willingness to care so wholly about another soul that one day we get to choose forgiveness over wrath. Cheryl, I’m sure, looked to her Savior who did the same thing for her. She heard Him when He looked down and said, “You did me dirty, but my grace covers that and my love for you let’s me forget that,” and she said it to Bobby. Not only is that good, but nothing could be better. 

This is not an excuse to drag around no good men hanging from your shoulder cause you like the feeling of a big bag. This is not an excuse to stay in your been broken, in every way, abusive relationship. This is not an excuse to run back to your friends and tell them you should try again with a man you know is trash. This is an opportunity to evaluate what you call love and see how well you and your partner mirror an unconditional, reciprocal, grace upon grace type of love. 

So, the next time you’re deciding who deserves love remember that you may be more Walter Miller than you think. And wouldn’t you benefit from a woman like Cheryl, or a man like Jesus, to come and rescue you?