Helpless, But Not Hopeless
Pregnancy makes you think, rethink and think harder about any and everything. Healthy eating. Vitamins. Water. Oxygen. Sleep. Motherhood. Childcare. College. Books. Careers. Homes. Support. Space. Time. God.
I’ve never thought so much about God.
I actually don’t quite understand how there are women around the world who have gotten pregnant, had a baby, and still don’t believe or trust in God.
There is no more helpless feeling on this earth than pregnancy. A sperm and an egg turn into a zygote into an embryo into a fetus that often lands in the right place. A single tiny sperm and an egg a million times larger than it become a baby, a human little thing with not just legs and arms, but with a functioning heart, brain, kidneys, lungs, stomach, everything. An entirely new organ, that did not exist ever before in your body, appears, then helps feed this child filtering the nutrients from the bacteria that you digested. And guess what? You had nothing to do with any of that past that one night you..you know.
Of course, of course, you can eat exactly right, go to all your appointments, drink every ounce of water ever cycled from the beginning of time, take your prenatals, never drink, never smoke, and sleep correctly, when the baby allows - but you cannot put organs where they’re meant to be. You cannot choose the sex. You cannot cause the living being inside of you to grow any faster or slower than God is allowing him or her to grow. You cannot make the heart start beating. You cannot make the lungs grow or put the wrinkles on the brain. You cannot make the sun rise at night and the moon rise during the day. You can’t do what God does - and that’s a helpless position when you feel like YOU are the mother, and you deserve control and you are already so desperately in love with this tiny thing you haven’t seen, touched or smelled yet.
For many people who haven’t been pregnant in a while, they’re shocked to hear of the happenings of a 20 week scan. Normally, it’s a joyous occasion where you get to discover the sex of the baby, if you choose, and where the ultrasound tech measures EVERY ORGAN of your baby’s body to ensure it’s the correct gestational age, there aren’t any causes for concern and all is as it “should” be.
Kevin and I saw our 20 week scan as routine as every other appointment we had prior to it. We found out the sex of the baby at 12 weeks, thanks to a blood test that also revealed his negative results for chromosomal disorders. When I arrived at the appointment, the secretary was a close friend’s mom and I felt even more comforted. The ultrasound tech was amazing, she told me exactly what we were looking at and took care of me like I was her own. When the scan was over, I waited for the doctor to come in - he took a while, but I didn’t see that as any cause for concern...
“Your baby has a mass in his chest cavity. It’s larger than any one I’ve seen before. His heart is shifted and it’s taking up space where his lungs would need to start growing in the next few weeks.”
EXCUSE ME?
If your mouth just dropped, imagine mine. Imagine my having to repeat those words to my husband and parents. Imagine you go into a space jolly and excited and you leave an absolute wreck. Imagine finding out your first child, an unexpected blessing of a child, before you even know him, you know there’s something wrong with him.
The doctor set me up to get an MRI and follow up even more detailed ultrasound to be evaluated by one of the best radiologists in the state. Between leaving the scan and getting to the MRI, I knew everything there was to know about fetal lung masses. I knew what the outcomes were, the treatment options, who the experts are, everything except the cause - to which is still unknown.
CPAM - Congenital Pulmonary Airway Malformation is a rare, non-hereditary condition seen in 1 in 25,000 pregnancies. It’s slightly more common in males than females, and it can vary in size and appearance. The issue is not the legion itself, it’s not inherently dangerous, but it can block lungs from growing, it can compress the heart and it can cause fluid to form around the chest cavity causing heart failure. Typically, lung legions stay the same size or regress naturally between 26 and 28 weeks. To determine the size of the mass they measure it’s size from three angles in centimeters and compare it to the circumference of the baby’s head, they call this number the CVR. The CVR determines how big and potentially dangerous the legion is and a CVR greater than 1.6 is cause for major concern.
His CVR was 1.64 on the MRI and 1.9 on the ultrasound. They asked if termination was an option, it was not. They wanted me to follow up in two weeks to see how it was going. They gave me a follow up CVR of 2.3. They asked to confirm that termination was not an option, it still was not.
White Plains Hospital decided to transfer my care to Albert Einstein, where they have more specialists on these lung lesions. I was told I would hear from them on a Monday, that Monday came and went, and on Tuesday I was on the phone with Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP).
SHOUTOUT CHOP! THE GREATEST CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL OF ALL TIME. NO DEBATE. NO DEBATE. NO DEBATE.
By Thursday, Kevin and I were on our way to Philly for a full day of meetings, scans, evaluations and treatment at CHOP. We met all types of doctors and nurses, endured a two-hour ultrasound and echocardiogram, were told to throw all of our research out the window then trust that he’d be okay, and was sent home with a stinging butt of steroids and another dose for the next day. They gave us a much less concerning CVR of 1.4 and told us that CPAM babies LIVE. They live, they thrive, they play basketball and soccer, they play tubas and saxophones, they run and jump and play just like regular kids.
CHOP has monitored us weekly, then biweekly since that day. Right after the steroids they told me his heart was back in it’s correct place and no fluid was detected, at our last appointment they showed me all of his healthy lung tissue, and his CVR is down to 0.4. They promised us that they don’t allow any patient of theirs to give birth with anyone else if they foresee trouble at birth, they don’t. Our little baby has plans to have surgery a few short weeks after his arrival, but we know the God who shrunk the mass can surely make it disappear.
Oh right, God! That’s who this started with. That’s who it’s going to end with. Let me be the first to tell you, if no one else ever has, HE IS GOOD. My helplessness led me to my knees, where I begged the God of the universe, my only source of hope, to come to my son’s rescue. Let me tell you that this was not without doubt, this was not without tears, this was not without help from Someone much greater outside of myself. I said, and doubted, out loud, that I know God can, but what if this doesn’t end well, what if He doesn’t want to, what if it’s not His will. There are plenty of people, faithful, truly God-loving people who pray and sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way we thought it should. What if that was our story?
“…Your FAITH has made your well. Go in peace…” - Mark 5:34
When Jesus walked the earth, healing people all over the ancient Middle East, His power alone could have healed them, but He also credited their faith. Faith isn’t believing that God will do what you want Him to do, He’s not your genie. Faith is believing that because you are lead by His Spirit, what you pray is what He desires. Faith is believing that because you pray God has a chance to use you to do His work. Faith is believing that God can and He will, because you had the faith to believe.
White Plains didn’t put that mass there, God allowed it. CHOP didn’t trigger the regression, God did it. Albert Einstein won’t be the cause for the delivery of a healthy baby, God will. And if there be a need for surgery, the doctors who perform it won’t be the reason for success, God will, again. And if there be no need for surgery, God is good. Whatever the outcome, God is good, always.
Helplessness can always be my portion where God is involved. He’s the King of seemingly helpless situations. I mean, what’s a 2 x 3 x 5 cm lung mass to a man dead for three days coming back to life?
There’s been hope since then and I have hope now.
“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” - Romans 15:13
